Great Expectations

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for Awakening: 21 Days of Prayer & Fasting. For those of you who are in the know, this is a 21 day fast that Celebration Church (www.celebration.org) conducts every January. The majority of fasters choose some variation of the Daniel Fast. Others fast less conventional things, such as Facebook, television, chocolate. You get the idea. The purpose of this fast is to remove some of the clutter (be it food or whatever) and make more room for God. Daily devotions and quiet time with God are important. As is increased prayer. It requires discipline of the body to improve the condition of the soul.

Naturally, this time is beneficial for anyone who desires a closer relationship with the Lord. It also serves quite well for those who have a relationship with God, but feel they have fallen away, lost site of the path, or simply feel that they are missing the bigger message, or have crowded out God's voice with their own or the voices of others.

So, why am I fasting this year? Simple. Great Expectations. You see, for years I put all of my energy into meeting the expectations of those around me - family, spouse, boss, friends, even members of the church I attended at the time. One divorce, two churches, and a few bosses later, I've realized that I have flipped over to the other side of that great expectation divide. I expected to be further along in my career. I expected to remain healthy. I expected my boyfriend to be madly in love with me and know that I was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with after a year of dating. I expected to be crazy about the house I've poured so much of myself into over the last almost 2 years (wow, that went by fast). I expected God to grant me the deepest desires of my heart. You see where I'm going with this? These are some Great Expectations. What's the fallacy? Simple. These are MY expectations, many that are applied to other people... even God. Eek.

Now, after months of dissatisfaction with myself in my career, not being completely crazy about my house, recently discovering that my blood pressure is higher than normal... and seems to be determined to stay there, and a rather heartbreaking revelation that my boyfriend (despite loving me) isn't sure that I'm "the girl." Well, I rather feel like a hot mess - and not the endearing kind.

It is through all of this that I've realized something. I think I've lost sight of the big picture. I still pursue God, seek a greater relationship with Him, and strive to be a proper disciple. But, I'm losing my battle with losing hope. I am losing this battle, I believe, because I have propped it up against my own, very specific expectations.

Of course, there is scripture to support my expectation for God to grant me the deepest desires of my heart: Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." and BOY did I believe. I conveniently managed to forget that these things that I believe God so strongly for will only come to me in God's timing - not my own. Also, I believe it is possible to desire something that is not in line with what God has planned - which is where having the ability to focus and hear His voice is critical. It is through that stillness that we feel His nudges back to the proper path. I was SO sure that the things I expected were mine, I stopped listening for the gentle corrections, stopped being still enough to feel the nudges.

Which, my lovelies, means it is entirely possible that I have strayed from the path, lost perspective, lost some of my joy, and am the reason I am losing my hope.

I am following the Daniel Fast, reading my devotions and bible versus every day, and working at being still and just listening... without falling asleep or getting distracted. I am also, probably not entirely wisely, disciplining my body through a new workout regimen. Reminding myself that my body is a temple. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

Better health, better nutrition, better focus, better understand of the Word, better able to be still, better able to hear God, better able to understand my current condition and maintain hope for better days. Better soul, better spirit, better connected to my God.

That is why I am fasting.

Bring it!

That sounds so very confident, doesn't it?

Yeah, not so much. :o) This is the overriding theme of the P90X program. "Bring it!" is a favorite (and ridiculously simplistic motivating) statement throughout Day 1 of the workout.

While in my head I say "yeah, bring it, whoot!" outwardly, I'm grinning like an idiot and just on the edge of breaking into hysterics because I know approximately what I am about to face and exactly how awesomely I am about to butcher the moves! Hee.

Thus are the first impressions of a newbie to the full P90X program. Prior to starting this monster I followed general Me procedure and research it. I read company propaganda, online reviews, hosted an unofficial survey on Facebook and Twitter. I knew that this program would be more challenging than anything I have ever tried before. I also considered myself to be in relatively decent shape (having recently biked 29 miles and lived to tell the tale). I realize now, as I sit as still as possible in my desk chair lest I cringe in pain, that this somewhat positive opinion of myself was nothing short of delusional!

That's okay, though, because while I feel like I have the muscular physique of a slug right about now, I also have been feeling the "burn" and ever mind-twisting "good" kind of pain that comes with any good workout that actually challenges you.

In other words, right now, I'm really loving it... because I can tell it is working. I am struggling. There are some moves I can't do yet, my push-ups look less like push-ups and more like me bracing the floor in case of an unexpected earthquake, and my bouncing around the living room last night during plyo sent the dog and cat scattering under and behind the nearest pieces of furniture. I will not be deterred as yet, however. I mean, sure I'm limping around today with the mobility of an 80 years old woman... oh wait, no, my Granny (76) and great-grandmother (Big Mama, 100) move around better than I do right now, so bad analogy... let's just say walking upright is a bit of a challenge. Ha! You know what, though? Bracing the floor for an earthquake and bouncing around my apartment like a baby kangaroo for the last two days is a heck of a lot more physical activity than I required of myself just three days ago... so I consider that a WIN.

Don't get me wrong, P90X is definitely a love/hate relationship, during some of the workouts you will hate it, your body will hate it, and you will want to deliver all manner of curses upon the evil spawns of Satan that created such a butt-kicker... but if you focus on the small victories and remember that muscle soreness means progress then a few hours later, you will love it, love that it is working, love that you are getting healthier (one little bit at a time), and actually look forward to seeing how your body will rise to the challenge during the next workout.

Admittedly, I am not in any rush to do another set of squats, lunges, or push-ups for that matter... but, I am still really looking forward to (in a deranged and narcissistic sort of way) tonight's shoulder and arm workout... when this is all said and done, my body is going to feel awesome... and that, folks, is enough to motivate this 29 year old to keep pushing PLAY.

There IS rest for the weary!

Good morning and Happy Wednesday!

Yesterday was… tough.

Not so much spiritually or emotionally. Not even because of food cravings and the like (though, I won’t deny that a nice juicy steak would’ve brightened my world a bit). No, it started getting tough because, I believe, of the caffeine withdrawals. Yesterday was day 4 without drinking any caffeine (though I realized on day 3 that the medicine I was taking to combat the headaches contains a significant amount – dang it)… and day 4 with a migraine-like headache. I expected it this time. Drank as much water as possible, even took some Aleve once the pain started (no caffeine in Aleve)… but, by the end of the day I was just… drained… and disappointed.

Disappointed because I did not feel that my head could handle the worship and prayer meeting at church – so I skipped it. Disappointed because the pain was so great and exhausting that I could hardly even stand even keeping my eyes open – so I didn’t get any of my Bible reading, or other spiritual reading done (other than the devotional yesterday morning and a little bit during my lunch break). Disappointed because I collapsed on the couch before 8 p.m. and slept almost straight through to this morning.
During any other time, all of that disappointment might have been quite discouraging… to the point that I might have given up, given in to this constant temptation to just have a little caffeine… or get that salad at lunch covered with cheese and bacon bits and all things yummy (gotta love taking the health straight out of the salad).

(Side note here – while I agree that quitting caffeine cold turkey is not the most delicious choice I’ve made…ever…these terrible withdrawal headaches are actually having the opposite effect of what you might imagine. Instead of chomping at the bit to just say the heck with it, my resolve is strengthening. Research indicates that most withdrawal symptoms last anywhere from 2-10 days. I’m now on day 5. That’s halfway! I am mildly horrified that any substance can have such an incredible impact on my well being… and will definitely be thinking twice about my consumption after this three weeks of abstinence is over!)

But, I wasn’t discouraged. I wasn’t discouraged because just the evening before (Tuesday evening) I had read in Facing Your Giants about the Brook Besor. The Brook Besor gets a small little passage in the bible. One you might miss if not looking for it.

“9 So David went, he and the six hundred men who were with him, and came to the Brook Besor, where those stayed who were left behind. 10 But David pursued, he and four hundred men; for two hundred stayed behind, who were so weary that they could not cross the Brook Besor.” (I Samuel 30:9-10)

Did you catch that? 200 men stayed behind. 200 hundred soldiers said they could not go on. Go on where? Well, as it happens, they were about to go rescue their women and children that had been kidnapped by the Amalekites. Oh, is that all? They were merely going to save their families, makes sense to me that some of the men would be too tired… WHAT??? I don’t know about you, but if my spouse was snatched away by a band of thieves with intent to harm and malice on their minds, I can’t imagine that a little weariness would keep me down. Now, to be fair, I don’t have a spouse, so I can’t really claim that level of fondness for someone – but, I’ll tell you, I have friends and family members that I would go through Hell and high waters for…shoot, I probably have a few acquaintances I would fight to save if necessary.

Yet, that’s exactly what happened. These men had been on a warpath for weeks. They had just returned from the Philistine war to find their village ruined and their women and children gone. They were weak, exhausted, had nothing left but frustration… they were tired. Indeed, it would not have been at all surprising if David had just fallen on his own sword right there, but he didn’t. He sought God instead. “But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.” (I Samuel 30:6) And rallied his men to go after the Amalekite raiders and rescue their families.

Despite the prayer, the rallying, and the understanding of exactly what was at stake, there were 200 men who simply could not muster the strength to cross the Brook Besor and continue the fight… and that was okay. David left them behind, took his 400 remaining men, chased down the enemy, rescued the women and children and returned victorious.

Would you be a little miffed if you, after all the fighting and exhaustion, still managed the strength to go on, fight another battle and return with all the spoils? Some of the 400 were. When they returned from battling the Amalekites and found the 200 still at the Brook Besor they started spewing hate. Why should they have to give what they recovered to those who did none of the work?

“23 But David said, “My brethren, you shall not do so with what the LORD has given us, who has preserved us and delivered into our hand the troop that came against us. 24 For who will heed you in this matter? But as his part is who goes down to the battle, so shall his part be who stays by the supplies; they shall share alike.” (I Samuel 30:23-24)

Not only did David excuse these men – he gave their staying behind purpose. Yes they stayed behind because they were too weary, but it had the added benefit of meaning there was someone to protect the supplies, protect camp – prevent another raid in their absence.

What’s the point?

The point is, sometimes it is okay to rest. Would I have rather done more reading and studying last night? Yes… just as I’m sure many of those men would have rather rescued their own wives and children, thankyouverymuch. But in day 4 of a migraine, I knew whatever I tried to accomplish would be no good – I would feel worse physically and then feel worse mentally because I would feel as though I failed to give it my full attention. Much like those men, in their weariness, likely would have been a burden to the 400 that did go on, and possibly would have changed the outcome of the fight.

So, instead, I turned off the lights, put a Christian broadcast program on (I discovered there is a nun on TBN with a remarkably soothing voice), listened and talked to God until I fell asleep.

This morning, the headache is not fully gone. I expect it to return later today. But – I feel refreshed in mind and spirit, and dear ones, that is where I surely would have failed. Had I allowed all those gloomy thoughts take over, and my mind and spirit to feel bruised, today would not be such a good day.

Jesus himself knows how important it is for us to rest. “Come off by yourselves; let’s take a break and get a little rest” (Mark 6:31)

Yes, the battle will continue. Yes, we will fight another day. Yes, it is okay to rest.

Thanks for reading. Much love and many kisses.

Oops.

Well, I think I have made a miss-step here. I will say it is because of my own naivety, however, I am now aware of the truth and am going to work on undoing what I've done and moving forward correctly in the future. My awareness came compliments of the following scripture...

Matthew 6:16-18

And whenever you fast, do not put on a gloomy face as the hypocrites do, for they neglect their appearance in order to be seen fasting by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. 17 But you, when you fast, anoint your head, and wash your face 18 so that you may not be seen fasting by men, but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

I will say, I do not believe my motives in blogging about my experience were entirely selfishly motivated, I was seeking to help and motivate others through sharing my experience...but I was also seeking support and accountability. I believe now that this was wrong.

While I still feel I can encourage others through sharing God's word and my experiences, I will no longer be able to do it as pertains to the Awakening 21 specifically. I am unsure if I will continue to blog about certain things throughout the next 3 weeks, I will have to consider that prayerfully later and try to hear what God wants to reveal to me.

I apologize to any who felt my openness to be boastful. I was not looking for accolades or admiration. Forgive me.

I continue to be encouraged by His word and hope that each of you will be as well.

Much love and many kisses.

Hitting the Reset Button

"Fasting is God's way of hitting the reset button." ~ Pastor Stovall Weems

Before that quote makes much sense to you, it might be necessary to hear the context. Over time, our lives get jumbled. Things get hectic, we get distracted, we lose sight of what really matters and every day becomes more about getting through the fog and less about living the life we want - or that God wants for us. If you are like me, many of you have a computer and/or smartphone that doesn't always... cooperate. They crash or freeze or lock-up or, or, or, because there is too much data, too many things trying to process all at once... and what do we do when that happens? We hit the reset button. Sometimes it is just that simple. Select restart, let the thing boot up again and boom, you're ready to rock. Other times, it's a little more complicated. You reset the machine... but you also have to reset everything that's on it... Now, what does that have to do with fasting? Well, to be honest (as it pertains to me, anyway), if restarting my system were just as simple as hitting the reset button right before bed and being good as new the next morning... we wouldn't be having this conversation. It isn't that easy. Many of us have weeks, months, even years worth of junk jumbled up in our brains. That kind of baggage clouds our minds, removes our focus from God, and takes a while to get rid of. So, we fast. Through fasting, we remove the distractions and through prayer, reopen a portal directly to God. Now, I am not suggesting that in order to be effective, fasting must be done in 21 day stretches. No, in fact, in many cases fasting for one or two days is effective. It really depends on your personal needs, what you feel called to do by God, and what you feel is necessary to right all the wrongs and get back on track. Over the course of the fast, things happen. The old dirt and grime falls away, we start to feel lighter, clearer and more focused. We become open to hearing and receiving God's word and His will for our lives. In essence, we've hit the reset button.

Day 1

Yesterday was interesting. I started my day by reading the devotion for Day 1 of the fast and spending a little quiet time with God. I also re-read some of the support materials for the fast. There are several steps suggested to help you begin and go through your fast. One of the first steps is to confess your sins, repent and ask and receive forgiveness. Awesome. None of us really like to admit when we've gone astray, done something wrong or something we aren't proud of... but, um, we're talking to God here... it isn't like He doesn't already know... so, it is not so much about revealing an enormous secret as it is acknowledging our mistakes. I made a list, talked about it (out loud to God - and my animals, too, I suppose, since they were in the room), etc. and I asked for forgiveness. Now, cognitively, I know I have been forgiven, but here's the rub. I do not feel forgiven. That is, I realized yesterday that my problem isn't confession and repentance, acknowledging my mistakes. My problem is allowing God to forgive me... or really, allowing me to forgive me. I am not receiving God's forgiveness. Well. That explains a lot. That explains why I continue to punish myself, feel bad about things and generally just not allow myself to get over or past something I feel I've done wrong. An interesting revelation, but really, rather awesome. So, first on my list of things to pray about during this fast? Asking God to show me how to let go, accept His forgiveness and forgive myself. In truth, I feel better already... and I slept deeper and more peacefully last night than I have in months... and that is after just one day of fasting.

Now, that didn't happen in a span of 15 minutes. I mean, I made the list and all that rather quickly, but I didn't feel any strong revelations or emotions one way or the other right away. I put it aside and continued spending quiet time reading from some of the books on my Christian reading list.

I started with 30 Days to Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs (Bruce Wilkinson). I read through Day 3, I think, and got far enough in to discover that I am sitting firmly in Chair #2. Now, many of you probably have no idea what that means - I didn't either, before yesterday. It is a rather simple concept that uses three chairs to illustrate our position as relates to God. Chair #1 is essentially where many of the apostles spent the majority of their time. It is the place where Christians who are God focused and in pursuit of everything God has for them sit. Most Christians can claim to have been in this chair at least once. Chair #2 is for those who pursue all that the world and God have to offer. (This is me - didn't know that until yesterday) And Chair #3 is for those who have lost all sight of God and are focused wholly on what the world has to offer. The interesting things about the three chairs - we've all either sat or can sit in all of them at some point or another. The good thing is - we are not stuck in the chair we find ourselves in today. Good news, indeed. This book is not intended to be read in a day, however, so I stopped myself at this point, determined to save some for the rest of the days.

The next book was given to me at least two years ago by my dear friend and mentor. Facing Your Giants (Max Lucado). I never even opened the cover (sorry Harold)... until yesterday. I am thinking that is exactly how it was supposed to happen, though. Had I started the book two years ago, I think most of the relevance would have been lost on me. I had not yet faced any giants I struggled to conquer. My demons were not so great, my doubts had not yet surfaced. This book, in a word, is brilliant. It is based on the story of David (appropriate, considering that I am pursuing David's fast). Now, I have read the story of David several times, recently even. There was one part of Lucado's book that struck me particularly so far. He puts David's story into a different perspective and mentions, specifically, that many 'straight arrow' Christians do not rejoice in David and really find his story to be terribly disappointing. That was me. When I read the books in the Bible pertaining to David and first fully understood what I was reading - the victories and the terrible downfalls - I was... discouraged. Terribly. I mean, this man had everything (literally) at his finger tips. He was one of God's favorites... and he fell in the worst kinds of ways. If that could happen to him, what in the world kind of chance did I have? I won't lie, I turned my nose up at him and his unworthiness. Until yesterday. I am just five chapters into this book and already I have experienced an 'ah-ha' moment. Yes, David was a favorite. Yes, David had many victories. Yes, David struggled. Yes, David turned his back on God. Yes, David fell. But you know what? God loved him anyway. Even in his worst and darkest moments, God never stopped loving him. All he had to do was ask forgiveness and turn his focus back on God... and he was restored... because God loved him still.

How completely amazingly awesome is that? Now, I haven't finished the book yet, so I still have more to learn, but I'll tell you - just that one revelation was enough to make me not feel quite so bad about my shortcomings... because I know I am forgiven... and that even during the dark times, God never stopped loving me. Awesome.

Well, yesterday wasn't all complete fun and games and awesome revelations in God's word... but it wasn't terrible, either. I consumed a lot of juice - yum - and made a couple probably a little less than intelligent food choices - black eyed peas and then later butter beans - yum... but oops. Ha! Let's just say it is a good thing I live alone... and that I think I'll put a little more thought into what I eat over the next 20 days.

Also, the same thing that happened on Saturday happened again yesterday. Early afternoon a sudden ridiculous wave of exhaustion came over me. I stretched out on the couch, fell straight to sleep and when I awoke a couple hours later I had the beginnings of a migraine. Again, I didn't let it derail my plans. I still managed to get all that reading done and finish the night with an evening scripture and prayer... but I didn't get as much reading done as I wanted and just felt generally bad physically. Still, I slept well and feel fine today... and now it is time to finish this up and get working!

Happy Monday! Much love and many kisses!

The Plan

Good morning, all.

Today is the first official day of the fast. I had every intention last night to post the plan for the next 21 days. Obviously, that did not happen. After a late lunch with a good friend yesterday afternoon, a sudden wave of exhaustion overcame me - crazy exhaustion (and the fast hadn't even started yet!). So, I came home, set the alarm on my phone - just in case - and promptly fell asleep on my couch. When I woke up two hours later, I had the beginnings of a migraine and that 'little voice' telling me that I didn't really need to go to the Saturday night church service (my service of choice), I could just go to one of the Sunday services. Interesting how Satan knows just how to weaken and tempt you. I wasn't having any of that last night, though, so I got up, got dressed and went to church. Boy, have I got to tell you, I am glad I did! If I could've had each of you there with me so that you could hear and understand the purpose behind this fast, I would have! It was fantastic...but, that pesky migraine did not go away. After the service, it took all I had to get home, take care of my animals, take some medicine and get back on the couch. No blogging for me. I could barely even look at my cell phone, let alone a computer screen. I feel 100% better this morning, however, so here it goes.

The Plan:

Step 1 of the plan involves setting your objective - Why am I fasting? I believe my first blog covers that fairly well, however, for those of you just joining in, I will summarize. I am participating in this fast to renew my strength and reconnect my soul with God.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31"

Step 2 is making your commitment.
1. How long will I fast? 21 days
2. What type of fast? I am following a version commonly referred to as Daniel's Fast. There are two types of fasts mentioned in the book of Daniel. (Daniel 1:11-15, Daniel 10:2-3). Both of these fasts are open to interpretation to a degree, but today's basic understanding is something like this - In the first fast, Daniel only eats vegetables (possibly fruit) and water, and excludes everything else. In the second, Daniel is a little more vague in saying that he eliminates the 'king's foods' which is understood to mean choice foods, meat and wine. We don't really know what 'choice foods' are, but based on some historical knowledge and conjecture, there are some relatively decent suggestions and guesses out there.

Things that I will be consuming:
Brown Rice, Oats, Barley
Legumes: Beans, Pinto Beans, Lentils, Black Eyed Peas
Fruits: Basically any and all fruits available to me
Vegetables: Basically any vegetable available to me
Seeds, Nuts, Sprouts
Liquid: Water and natural (no sugar added) fruit juices and vegetable juices

Things I will not be consuming:
Meat, Poultry, Fish
White Rice
Fried Foods
Caffeine, Coffee, Tea
Carbonated Beverages
Foods containing preservatives or additives
Refined Sugar or Sugar Substitutes
White Flour
Margarine, Butter, Shortening, High Fat Products
Bread
Dairy (Milk, cheese, yogurt, etc.)

It is important to note that this fast isn't about food. Fasting is a spiritual and emotional discipline designed to draw us closer to God. What is in my stomach is not what matters, it is what is in my heart. As one minister put it, choosing to restrict certain foods through fasting is an outward sign of our inward commitment to God. It is a means of disciplining your body and focusing your spirit that results in cleansing your body and soul and reconnecting you with God.

It is also important to know that there is no restriction on the amount of food consumed. In other words, I can eat broccoli and brussel sprouts to my heart's content... right, or maybe just know that I won't be starving.

3. What physical restrictions am I applying? Some of that is obvious in the list above, but specific restrictions I am placing on myself are:
No Starbucks (ack!)
No iced tea (ack!)
No caffeine of any kind (ack!)
Remember, this is supposed to be a time of sacrifice, a time to cast aside things of the world that we depend upon... like Starbucks. It will not be easy - but then, it wouldn't be called a sacrifice if it was. You can also believe that all three of those things will be put on post it notes and placed randomly around my apartment and office to remind me! Talk about power.

I will also be limiting television and computer time. Practically speaking, I cannot eliminate these things completely (I'm in marketing and communications for crying out loud), but I can minimize the time I spend with the distraction when at home.

The good news is, this time of prayer and fasting isn't just about deprivation! I am depriving myself of things of the world, so that I may be filled with the Holy Spirit!

I am adding:
Daily devotions (provided thru awake21.org)
Daily quiet time for prayer and reading God's word

Also, all that time I will be spending at home with the television and computer off? I will be using that time to catch up on my reading! I have a stack of Christian books that I have been collecting for years and never 'found the time' to read. Books ranging from strictly educational Men of the Bible to more inspirational Me and My Big Mouth (Joyce Meyer), and Waking the Dead (Eldredge). That last one I began reading some months ago, after reading Captivating and Wild at Heart, but I became distracted and never finished it. I am going to try again. Along with several others.

Activities I will be attending at Celebration:
Wednesday night services
Saturday evening services
Friday Prayer and Worship Nights (Jan 15, Jan 29)
Night of Prayer (Fri., Jan 22)
I will also be looking for a small group to plug into, and any other events that interest me.

Today is the first day of the fast! I have my concerns, of course. Namely, I am concerned that I continue to consume the proper amount of nutrients for my body to function properly. I tend to require a very high level of protein, so making sure I select items high in protein is extremely important. I may even consider turning to whey protein or even soy milk (juice) if this proves to be more difficult than first assumed. Also, fasting can be physically and emotionally draining... but I have a responsibility to my employer to remain sharp, focused and productive. Now, I am tenacious enough to believe that this can be accomplished and maintained throughout the course of the fast. I would consider myself foolish, however, if I did not admit to at least being mildly concerned. So, it will be a part of my daily prayers that God give me the strength and ability to be the rock star employee I always aim to be. That's about it.

With all that said - It is time for me to get started! I am excited and more than a little relieved to be finding my way.

Thank you for reading. Much love and many kisses.

The Beginning

I bet many of you are wondering -

Why did I create this blog?

Great question! True, I have a deep internal need to have some form of outlet for many of the thoughts, challenges, etc. swirling around in my head - my general randomness - but, let's face it, that's what MySpace is for (if you don't already know it, you won't find it). No, this is a blog with a specific purpose.

What is that purpose?

Excellent question #2! You guys are good at this! This blog has been created for the express purpose of sharing my thoughts as I experience my Awakening - 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting. www.awake21.org

I have never seriously fasted before, so why would I start now?

Easy. My life is missing something. Something huge. I do not yet fully understand what that something is, but I suspect that the key to finding it lies in my tuning into God. My leaving behind the distractions of the world, breaking the cycle of looking for worldly things to fill the holes, and acknowledging that there are things in my life that are bigger than me.

I have always considered myself to be a good person. I try to do what's right, be there for others, be a good employee and a good friend. However, my life has taken a path that is far from what I desire - despite my best efforts. As a result of my own weakness, I have made some less than favorable decisions. Decisions, that while comparatively speaking are not absolutely horrible, are decidedly not me... or the me I want to be. I have turned more inward, closed myself off from the world, become bitter, disheartened, and disenchanted... and it is becoming harder to conceal behind my mask of perfection.

As open an individual as I am (many of you know, if you want to know the answer, you need merely ask), I have always been gifted with the ability to show a brave face. The face I believe is appropriate or necessary for the given situation... regardless of what I may be thinking or feeling. Historically, these two faces, so to speak, have not been that different. Semantics, really. I look confident when speaking in front of a large group of people because speaking in front of a large group of people does not terrify me. Being happy to be at a networking event and being genuinely interested in new people because I am happy to be there and I am interested in new people.

Over the last couple of years, however, there has been a shift - gradual at first, but culminating to the point now of being difficult to hide. My perception and my reality are now decidedly different. To the outside world, I continue to be mostly happy, confident, caring. On the inside, I am miserable, dissatisfied, even bitter... but I'm stubborn. I take care of me. Whatever is wrong, I will fix it. Whatever is happening, I will get through it. Whatever I am feeling, I will snap out of it. And most importantly, and key to that self-confidence? I like me. I always have.

So, how did I determine that it is time for a serious, even drastic, spiritual intervention? The answer is more simple than you may think, but no less poignant. I recently met a youth minister at an area church and was considering the relationship potential when something happened to me. A knowledge swept over me that was decidedly different from anything I have ever experienced. I do not feel worthy. I do not feel that I am good enough to even consider being a potential partner to this man of God. In short, I don't really like the current me. Wow. How terribly have I failed as a Christian to suddenly doubt myself as a worthy partner, help mate, human being? It is as though I have forgotten that God's love and forgiveness are available to us all. Not a good feeling.

Then I received an email from my church - Celebration - announcing the Awakening - 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting beginning January 10th...And I experienced my 'ah-ha' moment. This was the key. I need to turn back to God, turn everything over to Him and open myself up completely to allow His path for me to be revealed. Not just in theory this time, but in practice. I read the email, visited the website (www.awake21.org), googled David's Fast, and decided that I am ready to set it all down before God and accept this challenge.

And boy what a challenge it will be. I will be taking notes, leaving post-it reminders all around my apartment and office, setting goals, fellowshipping with others participating in the fast, and sharing my experiences - the good, bad and ugly - through this blog. It will be revealing, heartfelt, and hopefully life-altering... and, if God should seek to use me in this way, it will perhaps be encouraging to some of you.

Pray for me. Love me. Send positive thoughts and encouragements my way as I seek my greater spiritual understanding and communion with God.

Much love and many kisses. Until next time.