The Beginning

I bet many of you are wondering -

Why did I create this blog?

Great question! True, I have a deep internal need to have some form of outlet for many of the thoughts, challenges, etc. swirling around in my head - my general randomness - but, let's face it, that's what MySpace is for (if you don't already know it, you won't find it). No, this is a blog with a specific purpose.

What is that purpose?

Excellent question #2! You guys are good at this! This blog has been created for the express purpose of sharing my thoughts as I experience my Awakening - 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting. www.awake21.org

I have never seriously fasted before, so why would I start now?

Easy. My life is missing something. Something huge. I do not yet fully understand what that something is, but I suspect that the key to finding it lies in my tuning into God. My leaving behind the distractions of the world, breaking the cycle of looking for worldly things to fill the holes, and acknowledging that there are things in my life that are bigger than me.

I have always considered myself to be a good person. I try to do what's right, be there for others, be a good employee and a good friend. However, my life has taken a path that is far from what I desire - despite my best efforts. As a result of my own weakness, I have made some less than favorable decisions. Decisions, that while comparatively speaking are not absolutely horrible, are decidedly not me... or the me I want to be. I have turned more inward, closed myself off from the world, become bitter, disheartened, and disenchanted... and it is becoming harder to conceal behind my mask of perfection.

As open an individual as I am (many of you know, if you want to know the answer, you need merely ask), I have always been gifted with the ability to show a brave face. The face I believe is appropriate or necessary for the given situation... regardless of what I may be thinking or feeling. Historically, these two faces, so to speak, have not been that different. Semantics, really. I look confident when speaking in front of a large group of people because speaking in front of a large group of people does not terrify me. Being happy to be at a networking event and being genuinely interested in new people because I am happy to be there and I am interested in new people.

Over the last couple of years, however, there has been a shift - gradual at first, but culminating to the point now of being difficult to hide. My perception and my reality are now decidedly different. To the outside world, I continue to be mostly happy, confident, caring. On the inside, I am miserable, dissatisfied, even bitter... but I'm stubborn. I take care of me. Whatever is wrong, I will fix it. Whatever is happening, I will get through it. Whatever I am feeling, I will snap out of it. And most importantly, and key to that self-confidence? I like me. I always have.

So, how did I determine that it is time for a serious, even drastic, spiritual intervention? The answer is more simple than you may think, but no less poignant. I recently met a youth minister at an area church and was considering the relationship potential when something happened to me. A knowledge swept over me that was decidedly different from anything I have ever experienced. I do not feel worthy. I do not feel that I am good enough to even consider being a potential partner to this man of God. In short, I don't really like the current me. Wow. How terribly have I failed as a Christian to suddenly doubt myself as a worthy partner, help mate, human being? It is as though I have forgotten that God's love and forgiveness are available to us all. Not a good feeling.

Then I received an email from my church - Celebration - announcing the Awakening - 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting beginning January 10th...And I experienced my 'ah-ha' moment. This was the key. I need to turn back to God, turn everything over to Him and open myself up completely to allow His path for me to be revealed. Not just in theory this time, but in practice. I read the email, visited the website (www.awake21.org), googled David's Fast, and decided that I am ready to set it all down before God and accept this challenge.

And boy what a challenge it will be. I will be taking notes, leaving post-it reminders all around my apartment and office, setting goals, fellowshipping with others participating in the fast, and sharing my experiences - the good, bad and ugly - through this blog. It will be revealing, heartfelt, and hopefully life-altering... and, if God should seek to use me in this way, it will perhaps be encouraging to some of you.

Pray for me. Love me. Send positive thoughts and encouragements my way as I seek my greater spiritual understanding and communion with God.

Much love and many kisses. Until next time.